A Boat Without a Sail

2016 was tough. I came to find out it was tough for a lot of people. For myself and my family we lost people that year. Loved ones in the matter of a couple of months. Some tragically, some probably expected. I also had to put my 12 year old dog down, whom I had since a puppy. I also had my only son move away to go to college. And in turn, had an eight year old at home now, suddenly as an only child. (My oldest daughter had moved out a couple of years before). To add to that, I had to leave my good paying job I’d had for 8 years, which made it hard to pay bills. And so started seeing my house, car, my credit slip away. I was worried, but never really terrified. My doctor, the only doctor that could prescribe my ADHD meds, also left. Lots of things kind of came plummeting down. I can honestly say it was the first time that I felt I had no plan in life. No direction. I didn’t know what to do, what to be, where to go, how to stay. It felt much like being in a boat with no sail. I even googled countless articles. Asking Google, What do I do now? Google said nothing.

This went on for 5 or 6 months. Just having no answers. It was a strange feeling. Kind of like being a little kid and not knowing anything about the world. It was scary. So gradually I decided not to try to figure it out. I just decided to get through each day. Do mundane things. Pay a bill when I could, do the housework, play a board game with my daughter. Sort of wait to see if something sprouted up. Not that I was trying to be a couch potato. I was waiting, but I was alert. Then little things started happening that I didn’t consciously ask for. Music opportunities started happening. Small at first, and then a little bit bigger as time went on. Until I finally realized. There was NO WAY I could have worked on music as deeply as I am now with all of those other life things going on. Its like stuff sort of had to get out of the way to make it possible. I was still grieving about loved ones that had left, and still am. But it was more like an era was ending. And this dream, this dream of making music the center of everything could maybe happen now.? I had to go through the endings of things to make room for beginnings.